STORY 90
A number of years ago I made a complaint against a senior person in my organisation. During this process I was legally silenced, so I can’t share details. But what I can share, is the experience of being silenced.
WHEN I FIRST MADE MY COMPLAINT... I was in a situation I had never been in before, and I was very shaken up. I wasn’t able to fully comprehend what it would mean to be silenced. I remember having a fleeting thought, it’s a bit weird I’ll never be able to speak about my experience. But I also felt some relief, as I knew silence would give me privacy, and I was feeling a lot of shame about the behaviour I had been subjected to. The silence provided me with a false sense of closure and I thought if I couldn’t talk about my experience, maybe I could just pretend it had never happened and move on.
AFTER ABOUT A YEAR... I hadn’t moved on, and I could feel I was still carrying the experience with me. By now I had processed what had happened, and I was ready to talk about it with my family and friends. It was depressing that I couldn’t. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, and if other people who have been silenced are able to fully heal and move on with their lives? I realised I had been put in a position where I would always have to withhold a part of myself from the people closest to me, and I felt very isolated.
AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS... I found out the person I made a complaint against had secured a leadership role at another organisation. This was very traumatic for me. I was distressed about all the people working with him. And because of my confidentiality obligations, there was nothing I could do or say. All the emotions I had suppressed started coming up. I was crying every day, my sleep was disturbed, I had anxiety and I couldn’t tell people why I wasn’t coping. I was intimidated by the legal consequences if I broke my silence. I felt trapped and powerless. I went to my doctor and was put on antidepressant medication. I told my doctor I wasn’t able to talk about my experience with family and friends because I had been silenced, and she had a strong reaction. It started to click to me that it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t heal, and there are health impacts when you silence someone. I also started to wonder how many other people have had the same experience as me, where they’ve made a complaint, been silenced, and then seen the silence is protecting their abuser.
NOW... it’s been years since I made my complaint. I’m still on medication and managing depression and anxiety. I think back a lot to the beginning. I never would have agreed to be silenced if I knew the long-term impact it would have on my health, my personal relationships, and the safety of others. It should be over by now; I should have healed and moved on with my life. The reason it isn’t over, is because I was silenced.
